I had only one option...

Hello! Here I have for you another story of survival. (That's how I can make it sound positive, anyway.) You remember my Grand Adventure with the spider on the interstate, right? Well then there was another spider in the car on my way to the bank a few months ago. I pulled into the Franz Bread Outlet parking lot and got an employee to get it out of the car for me… and yes, there were tears… But wait until you hear what happened two nights ago! I'm still scared of the kitchen!!!

My poor sweet baby girl started vomiting Monday evening around 8:30. It was so sad… After we got her cleaned up, I decided I'd go lay down with her and put her to bed. I was down to my undies and a T-shirt, and I was barefoot. Then, she threw up again! Poor sweet angel… So I called the on-call doctor who advised us to get some Pedialite to give her so she wouldn't get dehydrated. My darling husband left for the store. I changed a diaper, then I went to the kitchen with my wee lass… I was still in my undies and T-shirt, and still barefoot.

While waiting for my husband to return, I opened the dishwasher and decided to start putting away the dishes. I was still holding my poor sick baby. I got a few cups out of the dishwasher, and then suddenly a gargantuan 8-legged vessel of death came running out from under the open dishwasher door. Luckily it was running away from me, but unfortunately it stopped right at the entryway (or exit) to the kitchen!!!

It was almost as large as the palm of my hand. I don't have miniature hands, either. They're totally average sized hands for an average sized woman. This monster is what nightmares are made of!!!

So of course I screamed and threw myself backward. I was as far as humanly possible from this creature. One of my cats--the feistier, braver, much smaller one--came running. She locked eyes with the enemy. Of course my mind was racing. She could kill it, right? But you know how cats are… They don't just kill their prey. They play with it. They make it run around and dance. They chase it from here to there and back again!!! So I saw in my mind's eye Matilda batting the spider (that was almost as big as her) (ok not really) and it running in my direction. Oh no, no, this would not do. So, I yelled at her to leave.

The spider stood there, right next to the exit, and I was trapped. You recall the Radius of Fear and Death (RoFaD), right? Where I stood, I was barely, BARELY outside of it. If I were to try to run past and get my infant and myself to safety, I would have to enter the RoFaD! I tried to will myself to do it. Of course blubbering unintelligible noises all the while. My mind's eye showed me two possible scenarios if I attempted to escape.

1) I run as fast as I can. This scares my foe and he runs, possible at my bare feet and legs.
2) I walk slowly, requiring a longer stay in the RoFaD, and being an easier target for him to run at my bare feet and legs.

…I couldn't do it. I could not physically make myself enter the RoFaD at any speed! In fact, the thought of it gave me goosebumps all over my legs! So, I had only one option.

One.

I had to climb.

With infant in hand, I closed the dishwasher, and I closed a cupboard door so I wouldn't hit my head. The noise from the cupboard door made the spider JUMP, which is almost enough to make me pass out…. Nice try, spider. Nice try. I shoved some stuff out of the way, got one foot up on the counter and hoisted myself up.

And there I sat, blubbering, chanting "please come home please come home please come home" in hopes that the universe would send my hubby (a.k.a. Spider Slayer) home as fast as possible! To my great relief, he came home about 30 seconds after I got onto the counter. THANK YOU, UNIVERSE!!!!

So he walks in and he sees his half-naked wife and ill baby perched up on the counter quite awkwardly. I immediately say to him "THERE IS A HUUUUGE SPIDER RIGHT THERE!!!" He rolls his eyes, assuming my version of huge is his version of barely-there. He walks into the spider's line of site and simply says, "Damn!"

I told you it was huge!!!!!!!!

I just got the chills remembering! Gah!

He grabbed a file folder off of the table and thew it down on top of the spider. First the spider ran to the side and escaped the attempt. Of course that makes me freak out more… (No worries, the baby was silent through this entire ordeal!) He was able to cover the spider the second time, then squish it. And then he picked it all up, because spider guts make me gag.

…and then I cried. I don't like this new crying thing. This started with the interstate episode and has continued. Lame.

Anyway, I have not been barefoot since!

I looked it up, and this was a Giant House Spider, most likely male. The website said "they are sometimes seen wandering around the house looking for a mate…" That's even WORSE! Giant House Spider babies…!?!?!?! Sick and wrong!

OK, make it positive… I didn't fall off the counter. I'm alive. Phew! :-)