I had only one option...

Hello! Here I have for you another story of survival. (That's how I can make it sound positive, anyway.) You remember my Grand Adventure with the spider on the interstate, right? Well then there was another spider in the car on my way to the bank a few months ago. I pulled into the Franz Bread Outlet parking lot and got an employee to get it out of the car for me… and yes, there were tears… But wait until you hear what happened two nights ago! I'm still scared of the kitchen!!!

My poor sweet baby girl started vomiting Monday evening around 8:30. It was so sad… After we got her cleaned up, I decided I'd go lay down with her and put her to bed. I was down to my undies and a T-shirt, and I was barefoot. Then, she threw up again! Poor sweet angel… So I called the on-call doctor who advised us to get some Pedialite to give her so she wouldn't get dehydrated. My darling husband left for the store. I changed a diaper, then I went to the kitchen with my wee lass… I was still in my undies and T-shirt, and still barefoot.

While waiting for my husband to return, I opened the dishwasher and decided to start putting away the dishes. I was still holding my poor sick baby. I got a few cups out of the dishwasher, and then suddenly a gargantuan 8-legged vessel of death came running out from under the open dishwasher door. Luckily it was running away from me, but unfortunately it stopped right at the entryway (or exit) to the kitchen!!!

It was almost as large as the palm of my hand. I don't have miniature hands, either. They're totally average sized hands for an average sized woman. This monster is what nightmares are made of!!!

So of course I screamed and threw myself backward. I was as far as humanly possible from this creature. One of my cats--the feistier, braver, much smaller one--came running. She locked eyes with the enemy. Of course my mind was racing. She could kill it, right? But you know how cats are… They don't just kill their prey. They play with it. They make it run around and dance. They chase it from here to there and back again!!! So I saw in my mind's eye Matilda batting the spider (that was almost as big as her) (ok not really) and it running in my direction. Oh no, no, this would not do. So, I yelled at her to leave.

The spider stood there, right next to the exit, and I was trapped. You recall the Radius of Fear and Death (RoFaD), right? Where I stood, I was barely, BARELY outside of it. If I were to try to run past and get my infant and myself to safety, I would have to enter the RoFaD! I tried to will myself to do it. Of course blubbering unintelligible noises all the while. My mind's eye showed me two possible scenarios if I attempted to escape.

1) I run as fast as I can. This scares my foe and he runs, possible at my bare feet and legs.
2) I walk slowly, requiring a longer stay in the RoFaD, and being an easier target for him to run at my bare feet and legs.

…I couldn't do it. I could not physically make myself enter the RoFaD at any speed! In fact, the thought of it gave me goosebumps all over my legs! So, I had only one option.

One.

I had to climb.

With infant in hand, I closed the dishwasher, and I closed a cupboard door so I wouldn't hit my head. The noise from the cupboard door made the spider JUMP, which is almost enough to make me pass out…. Nice try, spider. Nice try. I shoved some stuff out of the way, got one foot up on the counter and hoisted myself up.

And there I sat, blubbering, chanting "please come home please come home please come home" in hopes that the universe would send my hubby (a.k.a. Spider Slayer) home as fast as possible! To my great relief, he came home about 30 seconds after I got onto the counter. THANK YOU, UNIVERSE!!!!

So he walks in and he sees his half-naked wife and ill baby perched up on the counter quite awkwardly. I immediately say to him "THERE IS A HUUUUGE SPIDER RIGHT THERE!!!" He rolls his eyes, assuming my version of huge is his version of barely-there. He walks into the spider's line of site and simply says, "Damn!"

I told you it was huge!!!!!!!!

I just got the chills remembering! Gah!

He grabbed a file folder off of the table and thew it down on top of the spider. First the spider ran to the side and escaped the attempt. Of course that makes me freak out more… (No worries, the baby was silent through this entire ordeal!) He was able to cover the spider the second time, then squish it. And then he picked it all up, because spider guts make me gag.

…and then I cried. I don't like this new crying thing. This started with the interstate episode and has continued. Lame.

Anyway, I have not been barefoot since!

I looked it up, and this was a Giant House Spider, most likely male. The website said "they are sometimes seen wandering around the house looking for a mate…" That's even WORSE! Giant House Spider babies…!?!?!?! Sick and wrong!

OK, make it positive… I didn't fall off the counter. I'm alive. Phew! :-)

"Pale Green Pants", by Dr. Seuss

It's been a while since I've posted. I have had my little baby girl and all that awesome stuff. She is just about 8 weeks old. We didn't get a lot of 0-3 month size clothes, so we went to Fred Meyer the other day to get some new duds. One outfit had a pink top and some pale green pants with pink bicycles on them. My adorable husband stood them up on their own (with nobody inside them) and left them there in the middle of the living room. They reminded me of a Dr. Seuss story that I had read a long time ago. I just looked it up and realized how very perfect those pants fit that story! Here are the pants, standing on their own, and below is the story by Dr. Seuss. :-)

Well…

I was walking in the night

And I saw nothing scary.

For I have never been afraid

Of anything. Not very.

Then I was deep within the woods

When, suddenly, I spied them.

I saw a pair of pale green pants

With nobody inside them!

I wasn’t scared. But, yet, I stopped

What could those pants be there for?

What could a pair of pants at night

Be standing in the air for?

And then they moved? Those empty pants!

They kind of started jumping.

And then my heart, I must admit,

It kind of started thumping.

So I got out. I got out fast

As fast as I could go, sir.

I wasn’t scared. But pants like that

I did not care for. No, sir.

After that a week went by.

Then one dark night in Grin-itch

(I had to do an errand there

And fetch some Grin-itch spinach)……

Well, I had fetched the spinach.

I was starting back through town

When those pants raced around a corner

And they almost knocked me down!

I lost my Grin-itch spinach

But I didn’t even care.

I ran for home! Believe me,

I had really had a scare!

Now, bicycles were never made

For pale green pants to ride ‘em,

Especially spooky pale green pants

With nobody inside ‘em!

And the NEXT night, I was fishing

For Doubt-trout on Roover River

When those pants came rowing toward me!

Well, I started in to shiver.

And by now I was SO frightened

That, I’ll tell you, but I hate to….

I screamed and rowed away and lost

my hook and line and bait, too!

I ran and found a Brickle bush

I hid myself away.

I got brickles in my britches

But I stayed there anyway.

I stayed all night. The next night, too

I’d be there still, no doubt,

But I had to do an errand

So, the next night, I went out.

I had to do an errand,

Had to pick a peck of Snide

In a dark and gloomy Snide-field

That was almost nine miles wide.

I said, “I do not fear those pants

With nobody inside them.”

I said, and said, and said those words.

I said them. But I lied them.

Then I reached inside a Snide bush

And the next thing that I knew,

I felt my hand touch someone!

And I’ll bet that you know who.

And there I was! Caught in the Snide!

And in that dreadful place

Those spooky, empty pants and I

were standing face to face!

I yelled for help. I screamed. I shrieked.

I howled. I yowled. I cried,

“OH, SAVE ME FROM THESE PALE

GREEN PANTS WITH NOBODY INSIDE!”

But then a strange thing happened.

Why, those pants began to cry!

Those pants began to tremble.

They were just as scared as I!

I never heard such whimpering

And I began to see

That I was just as strange to them

As they were strange to me!

So…

I put my arm around their waist

And sat right down beside them.

I calmed them down.

Poor empty pants

With nobody inside them.

And now, we meet quite often,

Those empty pants and I,

And we never shake or tremble,

We both smile and we say…”Hi!”