They are rising against me, I know it.
Seriously, my husband even says that he has never seen as many of them as he has since he's known me. They seek me out. It truly is an Evil Ninja Spider Network.
This morning I had to use the restroom. I was on my way in when I saw a very large, menacing foe dangling right there in the middle of the doorway. His web took up the whole upper left corner of the doorway, and he sat on it. I saw him in profile view, each nasty lanky leg. There were more than 8, though! There were 10! Oh, wait, nevermind. Those are fangs. Huge gangly fangs that are probably a third of the size of his legs. This spider is frightening and he means business.
I used a different bathroom, but not before posting to Facebook:
"There I was, minding my own business, about to walk into the bathroom, and suddenly there's a huge 8-legged creeper hanging in front of me. His fangs are huge. Like a third of the length of his legs! I won't be going in there for a while...."
I went about my business, getting ready for my day. I told my husband he was welcome to kill the spider. Much to my dismay, he hadn't done so when I finished with my shower (in a DIFFERENT bathroom). I needed something out of that bathroom, however, so I decided very begrudgingly to get the vacuum and suck this spider to obliteration myself.
I got him. I felt him thud against my hand as he whizzed through the vacuum hose. It made me feel sick to my stomach. I practically had this beast in my HAND. There was just a thin layer of plastic between us. It's terrifying, but I did what I had to do. I grabbed my hair straightener from the bathroom, and on my way out (with it, to the living room) I noticed ANOTHER spider on the wall. It was heading back behind the open bathroom door. I vowed to return to get him with the vacuum when I finished with my hair.
Fast forward... hair looks amazing... Taking the straightener back to the bathroom. Not only do I need to vacuum my enemy, but I also need to vacuum cat litter off of the floor of the shower. (I have the litter box sitting in there, because it's the guest bathroom and its out of the way. Cat litter gets all around the floor around the box, so it's in the bottom of the shower. Are you following all of this?)
So I walk into the bathroom and check the wall to find that spider. I don't see it. I get closer to the wall, so I can lean and look in the space behind the open bathroom door. I don't see it. Then I look up and it's--BAM--right in front of my face! GAH! So I have a bit of a panic moment, I turn on the vacuum, and I suck up the little bugger. PHEW! Glad that's over, yeah? Right?
So I turn around to start vacuuming up the cat litter from around the litter box and OH NOOOOOOO PLEASE MAKE IT STOP there is a big spider on the edge of the litter box, running at me.
That's it. I can't take it. I've surpassed my threshold already. I'm above and beyond high alert. My instincts are telling me to RUN RUN RUN for my very LIFE!!!!
I try to vacuum this guy but it's on the edge and he keeps side stepping. And I'm also doing some stepping, back and forth, foot to foot, because OMG SPIDERS. And I'm whimpering like a fool because OMG DEATH BY SPIDER OBVIOUSLY! After the third attempt, I got him. And then I threw the hose and ran down the hall, bare feet pounding on the floor, breathing rapidly, feeling like I might pass out, hopping from foot to foot, scratching the invisible spiders off my legs. Thank goodness I didn't cry this time! But my brain was mush because all I could think was survival!
"KEVIN omg and there was this OMG and this spider was OMG RIGHT THERE and then BAM omgomgomgomg KEVIN it was on the ummm the ummm the THING THAT THE CAT POOPS IN!"
Yeah that's how functional I am when spiders viciously come after me. Those jerks. They know it, too. They do it on purpose.
Kevin laughed. Pshht. *As if* this is funny.
